A few months ago I decided that I wanted to resume posting on this blog, which had been dormant for about a year after being active since 2003. Before I started what has become a very sporadic posting schedule I went through the archive and realized that I didn’t like a lot of what I was reading. There is a reason for this; for the first few years that this thing was a going concern I was dealing with depression and not dealing with it well at all.
I did a lot of things wrong during that time but one of the primary mistakes I made was making my world small. I withdrew from people and pushed other people away until I found myself alone and more miserable than I have ever been in my life. Even today it is hard to describe how I felt back then but the best way I can describe it is that I felt a heaviness on my life, like a sad weight that I carried around with me everywhere for years until I was unable to do the things the right way anymore.
The heaviness I used to carry with me feels like ancient history, so much so that after reading through the past I found it hard to recognize myself. Because of this I decided to archive the first few years worth of posts. The are not erased, they are just hidden where they can’t make me angry at myself.
I was thinking of those hidden posts tonight as I stood over spilled hot chocolate in a restaurant. I had gone out to get food and hot chocolate because for the last few days I’ve been feeling the heaviness again. When I feel bad I like to eat take out food and drink hot chocolate, actually I like to do these things all the time but even more so when I feel down. Today I really needed these small comforts and one of them ended up on the floor. This was not the end of the world though thanks to having learned a little bit from my past. Earlier in the day I had done something that old me would never have done: I told people that I was feeling down. So as I stood there holding my dinner in a puddle of spilled hot chocolate I didn’t feel alone.
The heaviness will not bring me down again. I will out-think this thing faster and easier than I did before. The fact that I am telling you about it without having to dismantle my life first is a positive sign. The fact that I laughed over seeing my favorite beverage on the floor is another good sign.
I’m going to be fine. Thanks for listening.