A Moment of Almost Embarrassing Honesty

Here’s a secret about me, it’s not a deep dark secret, just a recent thing you may not know about me. For the last few months, when I’m driving, I feel like I’m going to cry. It doesn’t happen all the time but sometimes, when I’m alone in the car I stop worrying about things that don’t matter for a second. In the moment I stop worrying the music becomes background noise and I miss my father all over again.

It’s been 3 months since my father died and I still don’t feel right. That’s probably not unusual, in fact I’m probably mourning just fine but when I’m all alone I sometimes feel like I’m going to break down.

While driving this morning I was think of my father and the New York Jets. He was a big Jets fan, which means I am too. If you don’t follow football the Jets made it to the playoffs and managed to pull off an upset win last week. The Jets are also big underdogs this weekend but I’m rooting for them even more than usual because the last time I spoke to my father it was after a Jets game.  It may sound silly but I feel like this Jets season was the last thing my dad and I shared.

Since my father passed away I’ve felt that when the Jets season ended I’d be losing the last living connection to him.  The fact that the Jets season has now extended into the second round of the playoffs means I’ve had another week of holding on to the last thing that brought my dad and I together. Of course I know it is likely that The Jets season could be over by the time Sunday night rolls around and even if the Jets pull off another upset it can only last another few weeks, at most, before it’s done. Whenever the season finally ends I will be ready to let go, but I wish I didn’t have to. On the bright side, maybe after the football season ends I’ll be able to take a drive across town without getting sad.

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13 Comments

Filed under Betheboy Dad Stories

13 responses to “A Moment of Almost Embarrassing Honesty

  1. knikkink

    I’m really sorry. We’re all here for you.

  2. I hope they play their hearts out for you.

  3. God, you’re just breaking my heart. Chin up, Sam. He’d want it this way.

  4. You know what’s weird Will, is I was thinking about this when I saw their last game. I know, random, since we don’t know each other very well, but I was hoping they’d win for you and have been cheering them on too, even though I’m not a fan.

  5. Nothing wrong with that, man. Let it out, when you need to.

  6. OK, for the first time ever I’ll support a professional sports team (although I’ll be asleep during the game (UK time)). Nonetheless, go Jets!

  7. JoAnnAttison

    I’ll still cry over my father sometimes, and it was 12 years ago. The pain lessens with time, and there’s no reason to feel guilty for needing to release it every now and then. It’ll get better. Feel the comfort in remembering the good times, and you’ll get thru.

  8. you’ve actually given me a reason to care about the outcome of this so-called “football” you speak of. thanks for sharing and being so honest.

    p.s. not embarrassing. ;)

  9. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. This coming from the person who had a crying spell this morning after finding a tuft of fur in the back yard. Grief is the one thing in life that starts out really big and then gets smaller over time. Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling and to let it out. Shame on anyone* who makes you feel bad about crying or doing whatever you have to do to get through the pain.

    *This excludes spouses who have certain mocking privileges that others don’t.

  10. The ice tea lady Aka jutes

    Sam,

    I can totally understand what your feeling. As a die-hard Giants fan I was not a fan of Gang Green. Your father and I teased and taunted each other about this.
    One of the last things I said to him regarding the Jets was how does it feel to finally be able to finish watching a whole Jets game? So now I find myself watching every minute of the Jets playoffs and hoping they win. I also believe this is your fathers way of still taunting me The Jets as Superbowl Contenders! Now thats something to cry about.

  11. RM

    I lost my mother 2 1/2 years ago and I still cry quite often when I am alone and it is quiet. Sometimes I am in the car. My mom lived with my family so basically everything reminds me of her. There is no usual or unusual way or time limit to grieve. Good luck, I hope things get better for you but don’t be surprised if it takes awhile, which of course it should. Our parents are very important to us, it makes sense that it takes a long time for us to grieve.

  12. Dear Will, This post breaks my heart, because I think I partially know the agony of missing someone important to you. One of my very favourite family members is halfway in the grave right now, struggling… It’s so scary and terribly gut-wrenching.

    At the same time, you give me hope that humanity is not doomed, because of how loving you are to your father. If we are all able to keep people’s memories alive the way you do, and love each other so deeply that love goes beyond death, there is somehow hope that humanity will not destroy itself with avarice, greed and selfish, massive commercial consumption. I know it must be hard for you, but you are doing a wonderful thing, by keeping your father’s memory alive in your heart in the everyday quotidian things, like football.

    My prayers to the Universe tomorrow morning will have your name in them.

  13. i still have those moments alone in my car, i think it’s where i feel the safest to “let it out” so i don’t bother other people with my sad.

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