Last Word on Babies

Yesterday I wrote about not being a parent and I meant it.  Despite the efforts of well meaning people who’d like to convince me otherwise, I’m not having kids and I married a girl who feels the same way.  I didn’t always feel this way.  While I never actively said “lets have a baby” to anyone but there was a time when I was open to it.  As I’ve gotten older and gotten to understand myself a little bit better I realize that I’m not well suited for parenting.  Like any good blogger I realized this through making a list of the pros and cons of having a baby, which I will share with you.

Let’s Start with the Negatives:

Why Having a Baby is a Bad Idea

1. Babies are no good at math

2. They require a lot of time and energy and I am selfish and lazy.

3. Unlike other dads who claim they would take a bullet for their child, I would at best take a punch from an old woman.  If someone started shooting at my baby I’d wonder what they did wrong which brings me to my next point:

4. Like my parents I’d always assume that my kid was to blame.  I’m not saying my parents didn’t love me, they just thought I was a jerk and they weren’t shy about telling people.  We’d be at a neighbors house and I’d hear them say vaguely insulting things about me like:

“I guess he’s not that bad”

“No, he’s not the dumbest kid in school”

“I hope you counted your porno mags because that kid will swipe ’em.  We don’t even know know what he does with them, he’s only seven”

5. They are very expensive and unlike cars, you can’t get a better kid by paying more.

6. After all of the money and time they grow up and never call.

In The Pro Baby Column:

Why a Baby Would Be a Good Idea

1. I will be able to beat the baby at arm wrestling because babies are weak.

2. Kids can be taught to mix drinks.

That’s all I can think of.  I’m sure there are others but those reasons don’t pertain to my life.  Hopefully these reasons will answer all baby related questions you may have for me.

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18 Comments

Filed under General Tomfoolery

18 responses to “Last Word on Babies

  1. Babies wear a bag of crap tied around their lower half–that in and of itself is enough for me to tell my uterus, “That’s a negatory on the baby making.”

  2. #3 is my favorite, “at best take a punch from an old woman”. my mom created a personal bartender out of me too, now i know what that was all about.

  3. Sam brings us beers from the fridge. Parenthood is AWESOME.

  4. Once again proving we don’t need our own kid, we need someone else’s. Careful, now that we know he’s trained he’s in our sights! ;)

  5. liv

    really. Why don’t people get that having kids is not a moral necessity? Most times I’m just arguing with mine because I want to listen to ben folds and they’re all into spongebob. fail.

  6. melissa

    Yeah. I spent the morning listening to heavy sighs and stomping because I told my oldest he had to study for his test tonight instead of going to a game. There’s a lot of crap I do that none of the parenting books ever mentioned.

  7. I’m happy to see that you can make a very compelling case for not having kids. My mom always told me motherhood was overrated, and that she had my sister and I to clean the house. I hear all kinds of crap from people for just having one kid. They can fuck off.
    On the plus side, my 9 yr. old does fetch us beer since we couldn’t train the dog to do it.

  8. betheboy

    I like the fact that two readers are supporting the “Kids get us drinks” plan.

  9. kim

    When people hear that I will not have children the “convincing” begins. Why? Gotta tell you, it kinda pisses me off. Just because we can, doesn’t mean that we’re all going to, or even should. Just because I CAN drink til noon everyday doesn’t mean that I do… see, not everything we CAN do is reasonable (excluding weekends of course.)

  10. I’m so tired of being treated like a freak for not having or wanting to have kids. It’s not for everyone. I always say, “well, I work with kids and helped A LOT in the raising of my two younger brothers when I was a teenager who should have been out partying.” Doesn’t count.

    I’m glad there are people who want to have kids, who relish in parenthood, and do a damn good job at it. Some of best friends are in that category. But, I am certainly sick of being one of the few non-mothers in my workplace. I definitely notice “perks” and special treatment that the mothers get. And then there is the incessant talk of daycare, breastfeeding, sleep training, etc. that drive me up the wall!

  11. Lisa R. (illuminato)

    I’m so glad to learn that I was not the only child that could make a spot on cocktail at age 6.

  12. Will, you guys are right on not wanting to have kids. Whenever I am in the room with my friend D and the boyfriends Sister N, both mothers within the last two years or so, all they talk about is labor, breastfeeding (not the sexy kind) and “ripping.”

    Use your imagination there.

    Then when that gets old, its time to nag me to have a baby because their kids like me. Oddly enough their two little boys are the only children who have ever liked me….

  13. Paul M.

    As a single guy in my 40s I’m still not
    sure if I can be a good father.

  14. Cathy

    A sad truth, you don’t really know if you’ll be a “good” parent until you actually are a parent. One way or the other, you could all surprise yourselves. Scary huh?

  15. aliastaken

    One handful of ice, three fingers of whiskey, and up to the line with water- yeah, I mixed a lot of drinks when I was a kid.

  16. JT

    I recently went to a “party” where everyone was talking about who just learned to sit up or said their first word. That’s when I remembered why I don’t hang out with that many people my own age anymore and got seven kinds of drunk to prove a point – that I’m an asshole.

  17. betheboy

    @Cathy – I suppose we could manage ok but we’ve just decided to enjoy the company of other people’s kids.

  18. Cathy

    @betheboy — I completely respect your decision. When would you like to enjoy the company of mine? I’ll be happy to fly them out.

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