Yesterday I wrote about not being a parent and I meant it. Despite the efforts of well meaning people who’d like to convince me otherwise, I’m not having kids and I married a girl who feels the same way. I didn’t always feel this way. While I never actively said “lets have a baby” to anyone but there was a time when I was open to it. As I’ve gotten older and gotten to understand myself a little bit better I realize that I’m not well suited for parenting. Like any good blogger I realized this through making a list of the pros and cons of having a baby, which I will share with you.
Let’s Start with the Negatives:
Why Having a Baby is a Bad Idea
1. Babies are no good at math
2. They require a lot of time and energy and I am selfish and lazy.
3. Unlike other dads who claim they would take a bullet for their child, I would at best take a punch from an old woman. If someone started shooting at my baby I’d wonder what they did wrong which brings me to my next point:
4. Like my parents I’d always assume that my kid was to blame. I’m not saying my parents didn’t love me, they just thought I was a jerk and they weren’t shy about telling people. We’d be at a neighbors house and I’d hear them say vaguely insulting things about me like:
“I guess he’s not that bad”
“No, he’s not the dumbest kid in school”
“I hope you counted your porno mags because that kid will swipe ’em. We don’t even know know what he does with them, he’s only seven”
5. They are very expensive and unlike cars, you can’t get a better kid by paying more.
6. After all of the money and time they grow up and never call.
In The Pro Baby Column:
Why a Baby Would Be a Good Idea
1. I will be able to beat the baby at arm wrestling because babies are weak.
2. Kids can be taught to mix drinks.
That’s all I can think of. I’m sure there are others but those reasons don’t pertain to my life. Hopefully these reasons will answer all baby related questions you may have for me.