Babies vs. Other Little People

Allow me to take a moment to put a stop to a persistent rumor I inadvertently started:

My wife and I are not having a baby.

Is everyone clear on this?

The baby rumors are all my fault.  A few weeks ago I suddenly went baby crazy, like some alarm went off in my brain that said “Baby”. However, there is a world of difference between”Hey look at that baby, wouldn’t it be fun to make it to say bad words and teach it to clean our house” and “I want to raise a child“.  My baby crazy is all about having a little person that can entertain me and do work for me.

Now that I think about it, I don’t really need a baby for help and good times, I can get that from a Christmas Midget.

Unless you’ve read this blog for a while you may not be familiar with the Christmas Midget idea but it was invented by my father to save time and have a little extra fun around the holidays (here’s a link to the story).

Christmas Midgets have many advantages over kids:  You don’t have to claim them as dependents, buy them a car or put them through school.  On the downside you might have to remind them not to smoke in the house and you will almost certainly have to bail them out of jail.  However, they won’t grow up to resent you for simply doing the best you could raising them, like actual kids will.

So in conclusion: Babies=No, Little People=Yes.  Thanks for letting me clear this up.



Filed under General Tomfoolery

24 responses to “Babies vs. Other Little People

  1. Oh you absolutely must never have children, the SlackMistress has an amazing pair of tits and I promise you that children will make horrible things happen to them that only surgery can repair.

  2. Kind of afraid my own 9-year-old son will grow up to be a Christmas midget if he’s anything like his mom.

  3. I plan on having a plastic surgeon on drtainer, but having kids would severely cut into my drinking time. And I can’t have that.

  4. betheboy

    @Jessica – She does and now that I’ve cleared up this baby thing I’ll get to see them again.

    @Erin – The Xmas midget industry is going to be huge (but not tall).

  5. melissa

    Also, it takes at least ten years for them to be capable enough to run to the store for you.

  6. betheboy

    10? We went at 7 but I guess we were advanced.

  7. melissa

    We were advanced. We had to be – we had notes to buy cigarettes. You can’t do that with today’s kids.

  8. kim

    Sorry but kids are overrated (unless they belong to someone else in which case they are LOVELY!)
    Drinking time and hot cleavage= UNDERRATED!!!

  9. betheboy

    @Kim – People can leave their babies with us for a day but we make no promises about their safety.

  10. Oh my God, Slackmistress is going to give birth to a Chirstmas Midget?!


  11. kim

    You shouldn’t have promise safety- hell if the little thing is that damn fragile, they should bring it over encased in bubble wrap!

  12. This guy once came up to my mom to ooh and ah over her “Bouncing baby boy.” She responded with, “You know they actually DO bounce quite well.”

  13. you guys should just adopt me and get it over with. i can make booze runs and go to los tacos and walk the dog. in exchange i’ll be shorter than both of you and never ask to breast feed.

  14. Discotrash: I approve of that saolution.

    Also, Will should NOT see this:

  15. my boobs wanted to chime in. they want you to know that they are just as attractive as they were before i had a baby and breast fed (even bra-less).

    as for my other parts, all ok except for the bones in my hands and feet. they did get bigger and stayed that way.

    more people should be like will and nina, they know their limits. there are way too many people out there having babies when it’s the last thing they should be doing.

  16. Ha ha! I’m half way to being the jr detective! Come on Will!

  17. I am not so convinced on this “We are not having a baby” It seems like this topic is coming up way to much.
    I agree with everybody who commented above me on the reasons for Nina not to. And I like the idea about them adopting @discotrash.
    But I see a baby in their future maybe not this year, but sometime soon.

  18. betheboy

    Cinchy – We get that response a lot but I assure you, ain’t gonna happen.

  19. And beside you’d make great parents.
    You two love each other so much I just can’t see you not sharing that.

    Remember I had that dream and Nina had the most beautiful baby girl!

  20. betheboy

    But we don’t want to be parents.

  21. Lisa Potato

    If it weren’t for you two, we’d have no couple friends who don’t want (or already have) kids and that would be a damn shame.

  22. Cinchy, we bring it up a lot because people are pretty insistent that they think we’re having kids. And we’re not.

  23. Why would I feel compelled to comment on a months-old post? Why, you ask?

    Well, because I have an urgent need to suggest that you get a helper monkey. Just not that one from “Monkeyshines.”

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