I’m too sick to tell a story today so here are two stories you may or may not have heard about me, one of my brothers, sick days and a bike shop.
Haircuts and Confession Plus Sick Days
When my brother Dylan was a kid you could make him cry by saying “Come on Dylan we’re going to get haircuts and then go to confession”. We never did this combination of things and no one knew why he got so upset but that didn’t stop us from having a good time. I’m glad I got my fun in then since Dylan is now bigger than I am, at least I have age on my side.
What made me cry as a kid? Going to school. For the entirety of kindergarten and first grade I cried every day before school. The only thing more certain than my tantrums was the elaborate ruses I’d pull to try to get out of having to go to school. Fake sickness, fake injuries, lost shoes or setting fire to the bus, anything I could think of to avoid school, but it never worked. Dylan was tougher about going to school although he once tried to stay home one day by claiming he was itchy and another time by claiming he had morning sickness.
Another Old Story Involving My Brother
A few years back, just before I left town to head back to Los Angeles, I drove my brother to a card and comic shop where a game tournament was being held. The place was next to a bike shop so I invoked the best episode of Diffr’ent Strokes ever and told him to watch out for the guy who worked at the bike shop. He just stared blankly, poor kid (I’m 13 years older than him). If you don’t know that Dudley got molested at the bike shop you don’t know nothing.
I once invoked the Dudley Gets Molested episode on a job interview and still managed to get the job. How bad must the other candidates have been when I can mention child abuse and still get the job?