The Best Laid Plans of Mice and This Man

In case you didn’t know it, I fear almost nothing except one thing that I’m really afraid of.  Death, war and the New Kids on the Block reunion do not worry me one bit but rodents really scare me. Laugh all you want but I’d rather find a lion and a polar bear in my kitchen than a mouse and don’t even ask me about rats. I’m not sure exactly where this fear comes from but it is very real. I am fraidy scared of mice and I don’t care who knows it.

My worst fear was realized this morning…there was a mouse in the kitchen.

I went into the kitchen at 6:40 this morning and saw a mouse scurry across the floor, like you’d expect, I panicked and ran back down the hall. The Slackmistress had already left for work so I had no one to turn to, except our dog, Daisy. I called Daisy and asked her to go into the kitchen and kill the mouse but she just stared at me and went back to bed. I love our dog but she is useless in a crisis.

As far as I could tell in my panicked state I had only two options (I had three but the dog let me down):

Option One – Pack the dog into the car and burn the house down, which will learn those mice good.

Option Two – Leave and never come back. Of course I’d leave a note for my wife: it would say “Saw a mouse so I’m leaving and never coming back. You can have everything. I love you but it has to be this way…you knew I hated mice when you married me. Please don’t get remarried”. I’ve done this once before, not abandoned a wife, I mean I’ve moved after seeing a mouse.  I really hate mice. 

After a few minutes I calmed down enough to brush my teeth, email my wife, walk the dog and then leave the house. I knocked on the landlady’s door and told her we needed to get this taken care of immediately or I was moving and/or burning the house down. She said she’s get on it immediately but there is a catch, my landlady, who is wonderful is deeply religious and because of this she only hires contractors who are share her beliefs. I don’t know if you realize this but very few exterminators advertise their religious affiliation in their Yellow Pages listings so if anyone can recommend an Orthodox Jew who handles pest control I’d appreciate it.

After I spoke to my landlady, my fantastically brave and beautiful wife called me to tell me she would try to fix the problem by humanely capturing and releasing the mouse. I am truly the world’s luckiest man. I just hope this gets resolved by this evening or I can’t go home. 



Filed under General Tomfoolery

32 responses to “The Best Laid Plans of Mice and This Man

  1. The exterminator came when I wasn’t here, and only agreed to come back because he saw the mezzuzah (sp?) on our front door. But I have until 3pm to catch our – erm, my – furry friend. C’MON FURRY FRIEND.

  2. Paul L.

    M-I-K, V-A-H,


    Mikvah Mouse… Mikvah Mouse…

  3. Come on furry friend! Take the bait or you’re toast.

  4. I’d burn the house down.

  5. Jax

    we have a cat which makes the catching part easier, but not the aftermath. I feel your pain. I’m not scared of mice, but if I see a garden snake or a picture of any kind of serpent in National Geographic, I scream and pee a little.

  6. I guess there is not enough time to get a cat. Godspeed, Slackmistress!

  7. theletterkae

    I tried to get Murphy to at least growl when we had mice in the house. No deal.

    I also would bring him in my room when the mice came back 6 years later. Never once would he wake up whenever I heard them scurry around. I wanted to point out to him that he was a retriever and that he should have some instinct to go after it, but you know how it goes when you try to explain things to dogs.

  8. The exterminator was going to lay down glue traps, said he’d come by and pick them up when the mouse was caught. Um, no.

    Our furry friend is going to have to take the bait. Keep yer paws crossed.

    I’m not afraid of mice, I just don’t want them in my house!

  9. Oh HELL NO to glue traps. When we had mice that was maintenance’s proposed solution. The guy looked at me like I was INSANE when I said no. We put away the food and they disappeared pretty quickly. Not quickly enough for Will (Betheboy Will, my Will was fine with it), but they’re gone and we didn’t torture them on the way out.

  10. betheboy

    Despite my hatred of mice I don’t want to use glue traps either. However I’m going to wait this out from a hotel.

  11. You can hide at my office if you’d like.

    Oh wait, I work at Disney.

  12. vintagecaveman

    I have no issues with rodents. After owning a couple hamsters that fades away easily.

    However I do have problems with bats:

    Ages ago I use to live deep in the rural country and one day a bat flew out of the basement. I was the only one home…
    Long story short (just cutting through the Three Stooges montage that included Cave Lad with a blanket on his head and a broom in his hands) I freaked out and slammed a window screen into the poor bat (it was coming right for me). I tossed it outside, and later discovered I had broken it’s wing. My grandfather had to kill it.
    I felt like shit for the rest of the week.

  13. Crikey. I was just going to call you to hamster sit. Dammit.

  14. I would probably be waiting it out at the hotel as well. Still, paws and tails crossed that Mousey takes the bait!

  15. A few years ago I had a pet rat name Sneezer she was way smarter then any dog or cat I have ever had including Pierre the poodle. The sad thing is the only live maybe 2 years and it was heart wrenching when she all of sudden had kidney failure and I had to put her down.
    I loved that little rat so much she use to sleep on my pillow.

    I miss you My little SNEEZER.

  16. Lisa Potato

    I’d offer to let you borrow Spot, but Daisy would probably kill him and then you’d have a dead cat and a live mouse to deal with.

  17. You need Jack! He is a vicious hunter kitty.

    I’m not sure what bait you’re using, but I’ve read several accounts of the following working:
    Lay a paper towel roll on a counter near where you’ve seen the offending vermin. Push it just far enough over the edge that any weight at the end will cause it to tumble off. Put something mice love at the end of the tube. My mice seem to like bread. Like, A LOT.

    The end hovering over the edge should be over a large empty receptacle, like a garbage can. Make sure it’s plenty deep, because those dicks can jump HIGH. Theoretically, they will walk down the tube to get the snack, the tube will become unbalanced, and everything will fall into the receptacle.

    Just remember, even though they are cute, MICE ARE DICKS.

  18. aliastaken

    I have a huge mouse problem right now, despite the fact that I HAVE A CAT. I honestly don’t know what to do either because I can’t use poison in case my cat does catch one of the little fuckers before the poison kills it.

  19. We don’t get mice in Arizona, except as pets. We have scorpions and rattlesnakes. You city folk are soft.

  20. JT

    The last time I had a mouse problem, pandemonium and hilarity ensued as my yellow lab, me, and two of my friends chased it around the living room after sealing off all of the exit doors.

    I had every intention of trapping it, but things ended badly when a table got dropped and squished the mouse.

  21. i’m very impressed that you can admit your fear so freely (not that there is anything to be ashamed of), just sayin’. my husband isn’t keen on rodents, snakes or spiders either. does being from new york do that to people?

    we rented a house in Massachusetts that was FULL of mice. i’d never experienced mice before, only roaches in the south. we had FOUR fat ass cats at the time and not a damn one of the cats would handle it.

  22. @Mace: I tweeted earlier and linked to that exact trap! (Which is sitting in our kitcehn right now, and has a peanut butter at the end. They love peanut butter!)

    Problem is that it’s been all day and no mouse. There IS room for a mouse to scoot in and out our back door, so I’m going to leave the trap out all night w/both doors to the back shut so no one new can get in. If I don’t catch anyone, I’m gonna guess they made a run for it.

    And I have a fun day of scrubbing the kitchen/apartment top to bottom tomorrow. Woo!

  23. Just rent a cat from a friend!

  24. Andrew

    Mice are nothing. Now crickets…fuck crickets, they are dicks.

  25. @Andrew I love crickets! I just catch em with my hands, tho.

  26. aliastaken

    Andrew, I hear you on the crickets. I used to love crickets, you know, one at at time. But last winter we had literally hundreds of crickets surrounding my house and making their way inside every day and night. It was chirpy hell.

    Yes, my house seems infested with creatures. I think it has to do with not having a basement.

  27. Dood, you’re so gonna hate <a href=””this photo of me with six baby rats in my hand that I came to the rescue of the after scaring off their mom when during some backyard work I accidentally exposed their den to my dog.

  28. betheboy

    Jeez, Will. That’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen.

  29. Will, did momma rat come back?

    Also, I feel the exact same way that you do.

  30. Will Campbell

    Indeed Slackmistress, it was a happy ending in that momma returned much quicker than expected and got herself and her babies to safer pastures.

    I went to the trouble later that day of setting up a RatCam outside the rebuilt den to capture whatever happened, but after two days of videotaping nothing except the occasional bug crawling across the frame I took apart the den expecting to find dead babies and instead I found emptiness — she’d extracted her youngsters pretty much immediately after I’d left them alone.

    Them rats, they don’t mess around!

  31. Ken

    OK, when I had mice I got a huge jug of ammonia from Harry’s Ace Hardware, splashed it in a line across the floor and swept it around with a broom.

    Mice hate ammonia as much as anyone does. They were ultimately cornered, then I swept them out of the house with the broom, and poured more ammonia on the doorsill.

    I’ll admit it sounds idiotic, but it worked and only cost about $3.00.


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