In case you didn’t know it, I fear almost nothing except one thing that I’m really afraid of. Death, war and the New Kids on the Block reunion do not worry me one bit but rodents really scare me. Laugh all you want but I’d rather find a lion and a polar bear in my kitchen than a mouse and don’t even ask me about rats. I’m not sure exactly where this fear comes from but it is very real. I am fraidy scared of mice and I don’t care who knows it.
My worst fear was realized this morning…there was a mouse in the kitchen.
I went into the kitchen at 6:40 this morning and saw a mouse scurry across the floor, like you’d expect, I panicked and ran back down the hall. The Slackmistress had already left for work so I had no one to turn to, except our dog, Daisy. I called Daisy and asked her to go into the kitchen and kill the mouse but she just stared at me and went back to bed. I love our dog but she is useless in a crisis.
As far as I could tell in my panicked state I had only two options (I had three but the dog let me down):
Option One – Pack the dog into the car and burn the house down, which will learn those mice good.
Option Two – Leave and never come back. Of course I’d leave a note for my wife: it would say “Saw a mouse so I’m leaving and never coming back. You can have everything. I love you but it has to be this way…you knew I hated mice when you married me. Please don’t get remarried”. I’ve done this once before, not abandoned a wife, I mean I’ve moved after seeing a mouse. I really hate mice.
After a few minutes I calmed down enough to brush my teeth, email my wife, walk the dog and then leave the house. I knocked on the landlady’s door and told her we needed to get this taken care of immediately or I was moving and/or burning the house down. She said she’s get on it immediately but there is a catch, my landlady, who is wonderful is deeply religious and because of this she only hires contractors who are share her beliefs. I don’t know if you realize this but very few exterminators advertise their religious affiliation in their Yellow Pages listings so if anyone can recommend an Orthodox Jew who handles pest control I’d appreciate it.
After I spoke to my landlady, my fantastically brave and beautiful wife called me to tell me she would try to fix the problem by humanely capturing and releasing the mouse. I am truly the world’s luckiest man. I just hope this gets resolved by this evening or I can’t go home.