Not Knowing The Facts (About Me)

Earlier today, someone who knows me and sees me everyday said the following:

“Want some coffee?  Wait you don’t drink coffee.”

The second part of the statement above may be the most inaccurate thing anyone has ever said about me because if you have ever met me you know that I drink way too much coffee.  Here are some things they could have said about me that would have been closer to the truth.

“Will is a 50 foot tall cyclops”

“Will loves dining with little people.”

“Will hopes the Yankees win the World Series”

All of those statements are inaccurate but none of them are as wildly inaccurate as the coffee line.  Of course, I shouldn’t care, after all if the only misjudgment anyone makes about me involves coffee I’m doing ok but it bothered me because it felt like I was being teased. To me,“Want some coffee?  Wait you don’t drink coffee.” sounds a lot like one of the following:

Would you like this winning lottery ticket? No you hate money.

The porno bus broke down in front of our house.  I had it towed because you hate boobs.

You see how that feels?  First you think something good is about to happen, then you find out it’s not while also learning that someone knows nothing about you.  It’s not the best feeling in the world.

Out of curiosity what is the most inaccurate thing a person could say about you?

P.S. – My feelings were not really hurt, I’m exaggerating to make a point, but you probably know that.

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19 Comments

Filed under General Tomfoolery

19 responses to “Not Knowing The Facts (About Me)

  1. They have porn buses in L.A., seriously? Why is it all the good things are out where you live? sigh.

  2. Everytime I eat dinner with my mom she tried to convince me that I don’t like a food that I have always liked.

    Wait wait, don’t pass the corn to [the ex] she REALLY hates corn! Don’t you sweetie?

    Uh, what? No. I’ve never hated corn.

    And then she’ll go, “No I could have sworn you don’t like corn”.

    And I’m all, “Why are we still discussing this?”

    It’s very awkward.

    For the record I FUCKING LOVE CORN.

  3. that i am a worrier. i have a friend who often says that she knows i am worrying about whatever we happen to be talking about. that is so far from the truth. i am a questioner and am curious about things, but it isn’t because i am worried. i tend to be a realist and rarely worry about anything. i guess i always figure things will work out in the end.

  4. betheboy

    Swirly- the porno bus might be a slight exaggeration, tt’s just me neighbors windowless van.

  5. A stage mom once apologized for saying the word “asshole” in front of me. I responded with “are you fucking kidding me?”

  6. I get the opposite – I HATE coffee and everyone is always trying to give it to me. Seriously, my DAD just automatically pours me a cup and then is so quizzically hurt when I decline.

    I knew I should have moved to L.A. instead of Erie – definitely NO porn buses here.

  7. I have a whole lot of people I know (not friends, because my friends know better, but acquaintances say) who are convinced that I’m confident and don’t give a shit about what other people think. I don’t know how I managed to communicate THAT, but I guess I shouldn’t complain.

  8. jen

    Wait a minute, let me put my penis away because I forgot you hate to fellate.

  9. A porno bus!? Perfectly ruined mascara, I’m laughing so hard

  10. Just today a woman who I’ve helped get out of binds (that wouldn’t have even been problem situations except for her own poor planning)several times for the last five years asked who I was.

    Fuck her. I’ll never help her out again.

  11. Paul L.

    You said it yourself: “Genius Paul Lorello”.

    It’s “Paul Lorello — genius”.

  12. @Paul: That should be on your business card.

    Also, you should come out to see us sometime. Will lacks bromance!

  13. I am like Rikki up there, people keep trying to give me coffee, but I can’t drink it. My stomach HATES coffee, where as my mouth likes it. Sometimes we compromise with an iced latte but most of the time i just go without. tea and i are best friends though.

  14. Swirly Girl

    hmm…that sounds like a pedophile van, def. NOT a porno van. And how is it that hobos have a van to begin with? I think there is a whole hobo strata I know nothing about.

  15. You want to meet NELLY? Oh wait, that’s right, you don’t like NELLY.

    Son of a….

  16. I just read Doug this story and he said –

    “There’s a PORNO BUS?!?”

  17. With you on the Yankees thing.

  18. The Porno Bus is like the Los Angeles version of the Bookmobile, only slightly less depressing.

    “I was going to call up my old college roommate, but then I remembered that you hate threesomes.”

  19. Ha! I just Stumbled Upon your blog. What are the odds?

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