Cheating at the Olympics

The Summer Olympics started today and for the 9th consecutive time I will not be winning a medal because yet again The International Olympic Committee (IOC) reuses to recognize the events I excel at including:

Remembering who played which parts on Beatles tracks – It’s not as always as easy as John and George on Guitars, Paul on bass and Ringo on drums.  Sometimes they played different instruments and sometimes there were special guests. I can always tell you who is playing what so I’d like this to be an Olympic event.

Naming New York Mets opening day starting lineups – I can probably tell you who batted where and what position they played for every opening day lineup since the Mets very first game in 1962.  the fact that this is not an official event is a clear sign of anti-Mets bias on the IOC.

Telling inappropriate stories on the internet – Have you read this blog’s archives?  They are filled with medal worthy tales. It this event made the Olympics I could certainly do my country proud.  It’s time that the IOC recognizes these events or we I start an Internet Olympics and rig it so that I win every event.

How about you, what lesser known events could you win a gold medal in?



Filed under General Tomfoolery

29 responses to “Cheating at the Olympics

  1. I took a Silver in the Shopping Event in Atlanta 1996. I just missed the Gold, when one of my coupons expired.

  2. I win at getting drunk. why is this not an event?

  3. betheboy

    discotrash – that is an event but the medal ceremony is way too early in the morning so the winners usually call out sick.

  4. Excessive and inappropriate use of the word ‘Fuck’.

  5. I win a gold medal in obnoxious drunkness with my coworkers. I’m the queen of the world!

  6. betheboy

    I suspect that among my readers the drunk competition will be pretty fierce.

  7. Jax

    i could medal in arguing.

  8. I take the bronze in the 40 yd dash in four inch platforms. But that’s ’cause I was beaten by two drag queens. The IOC didn’t check what they were packing during the qualifiers.

  9. @betheboy – i think you should make seperate catagories for kinds of drunkenness. like best drunk on the job, best wine drunk, best doing tequila shots out of a prostitutes ass drunk etc

  10. @Jax – I disagree. Now ARGUE TO PROVE IT!

  11. Silver in drunk biking for me. I’m not the fastest out there but I can go in a straight line with no killing, no falling, no puking.

  12. I coulda won the gold in procrastination if I’d gotten around to entering.

  13. oh snap, here’s my list (sans alcohol-so i can drive “all ya’ll”):

    my gold metal activities:
    annoying the shit out of people, astrology, saying very inappropriate things at the worst possible moment (family tradition there), thinking i’m funny when i’m not.

  14. Jax

    @the ex – I knew that was coming! ;)

    So since I picked this argument… ahem:

    What, you think it’s easy sitting around at work clock-watching and blog reading for an hour? I could just as easily be picking at my cuticles, but noooo I come here, to BeTheBoy, in my well-earned spare time, to extol my virtues as a premiere debater and first-class bitch, and you call me out on the virtual carpet?? Oh I SEE HOW IT IS – you think if you can distract me from my pre-competition cuticle-picking, you’ll toooootally throw me off my game and steal the gold from me. Not gonna happen, Ex-factor! Now step off my podium! Beijing gots the flame, I gots the fire!

  15. I know I could medal if they had the 1500 Meter Arcane/Pop culture/Historical Reference Off. Because I have freaking Sebastian Coe like kick when it comes to dropping references to Presidents of the Gilded Age, Gavin McCloud and New Coke.

    I think I could get a bronze in self-deprecation, but knowing me I would end up with the gold.

  16. Nice idea.

    I’m wondering why these sissies stop at decathlon. Ten events? I’d like to see a person compete in all the events. Every single one. We’ll call it the Omnathalon or something. I nominate myself because I’m exceptional at nothing but not entirely embarrassing at a lot of stuff. Only problem is I’d have to walk most of the marathon and the pole vault scares me. Finishing would be the goal.

    Or maybe drunken tree-climbing. I’m all over that one.

  17. vintagecaveman

    -Trivial Sitcom Knowledge
    -Nerd Arguments (ie: Kirk v. Picard, who would win in a battle between Batman and Capt. America, etc..)

  18. — Reading Subtitles.
    — What year did that album come out in, again?
    — Not remembering people’s names.
    — Irresponsible drunk-driving stories .
    — Oh yeah? Well, I saw them in [always earlier than you did].
    — Lord of the Rings references.
    — Purchasing “Live at Leeds” and/or “Who’s next”
    — 1980s Letterman running gags
    — Pop Culture-oriented list-making.

  19. betheboy

    Jim, you’re another guy who I read the comments and wonder; “how have i never met this guy?”

  20. These days, I talk a much more interesting life than I actually lead!

  21. – Planning to go out, then staying in (singles): I’m really good at this when it’s just me going to an event, but in pairs competition I fail and almost always leave the house.

    – Making several hundred small purchases instead of one large, extravagant one: I can spend ten dollars far faster than I’ll ever spend $100.

  22. vintagecaveman – when I lived in Wyoming, the Denver independent station played reruns of classic Trek and STNG. They had a great “Kirk v. Picard” ad – the only bit I remember was, “Kirk digs the space chicks,” over a shot of him kissing the green girl, followed by “Picard likes to read,” and “Picard has no hair,” followed by Picard exclaiming, “I object!”

    Maybe I should see if YouTube has that…

  23. Brady Bunch Speed Call It – I can tell you what episode it is in 5 seconds or less. (My nose!)

    Spray Tan Dismount – A skill event versus speed. Sticking the landing in a spray tan means your elbows and palms emerge un-oranged from the tan fog but your body is faux-toned.

  24. Jodi

    Gold in Dorkiness & Procrastination. Silver in self-doubt & self-sabotage. Bronze in taking advantage of fun things to do in L.A. I compete in general bitchiness & cattiness but never manage to medal.

  25. I could probably earn a gold in being convinced by my own inaccurate recollections of things.

  26. meredith

    Istand by my HOlympics idea.

  27. I once competed in an equestrian event while drunk (which sorta happened by accident). It’s not anything that I recommend for anyone else, but I toooootally win the gold in Drunken Show Jumping.

  28. Usually I’m pretty fierce in any competition involving the Beatles, but with your skill here, I’m beginning to doubt my knowledge. Though, I can usually still recount every detail of their young lives whenever I need to, so that works for me I suppose.

  29. I’m sure you would say I’d medal in avoiding you guys or something.

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