Don’t Act Like I’m The First Guy This Has Happened To

Lately I’ve been telling myself that I’m getting thinner, even though my pants and scale tell me otherwise. While most evidence indicates I’m actually gaining weight I keep telling myself it’s not true and to sell the lie I’ve created I point to one thing…my glasses fall off every time I look down towards the ground. Sure, a sensible person would just tighten the screws on their glasses but I posses neither common sense nor tiny screwdrivers. For several weeks I’ve been telling myself that I’m losing weight in my face while at the same time I’ve eating cupcakes two at a time and dropping my glasses on the floor. It’s really been a great time to be alive…until this afternoon.

Late in the day I took my skinny face down the hall to use the men’s room so I could pee and wash the buttercream icing off of my face, I just had a cupcake and some coffee. A few seconds later I’m at the urinal when I decide that there would never be a better moment to gaze admiringly at my junk…I looked down…(you see where this is going) and saw my wenis and then my glasses as they fell into the urinal.

It’s amazing what the brain is capable of when the body is in crisis, in a millisecond I weighed several options. I could do one of the following:

  • Pee on my glasses
  • Reach in and pee on my hand as well as my glasses
  • Hold it in for a second and move to the next stall over while hoping that no one else came in to pee on my glasses.

I was too panicked to make a decision so I went with a hybrid of the first two. I peed off to one side while reaching down and getting my glasses. Both my hand and glasses suffered minimal splash back and both were washed thoroughly afterwards.

I should probably get one of those eyeglass repair kits before I have to use that bathroom again because nothing ruins a good afternoon like getting urine on your glasses.


An update on an two unrelated notes: I know that when you think of me the first thing that comes to mind is probably not health and fitness.  However, I’ve got a guest post today on a health and fitness blog.  Really.  Check out my post on Does This Blog make Us Look Fat.

Also I’m expecting a new Hobo Record Club delivery today, more on that soon.  If you don’t know what the Hobo Record Club is, click here.



Filed under General Tomfoolery

29 responses to “Don’t Act Like I’m The First Guy This Has Happened To

  1. I can’t believe you didn’t go with the number THREE.

  2. Only you, Will. Only you. So glad you found a way to, um, avert the crisis. Or should I say “divert”? So to speak.

  3. betheboy

    Ex- If I went with three and someone came in I’d have to explain how my glasses ended up in the urinal. My way was was the safest way out of the crisis.

  4. But people wouldn’t have asked questions when they saw you fishing your glasses out of the urinal?

  5. betheboy

    Erica – it’s not easy to think these things through when I’m mid stream.

  6. CSG

    Maybe you are not fat. Maybe you have anorexia. Don’t they see themselves fat when looking at a mirror? I have that same feeling too.


  7. Paul

    You look ok to me.

  8. Cindy

    Were you sober? If you were I wouldn’t worry about it unless it happens more then once day.

  9. At least it didn’t happen while you were pooping.

  10. I am SHOCKED you didn’t go with number three.

    Also, there’s nothing like the bedtime story: “hey! I peed on my glasses today!”

  11. Lisa Potato

    I’ve worn glasses for almost 22 years, been skinny, been fat, been inbetween and NEVER peed on them.
    The whole concept of a urinal creeps me out. Next time use the stall and you can choose option 3 without fear of discovery!

  12. Hilarity. Seriously. So funny.
    You just brightened a very boring morning at work.

  13. You can just bring your glasses into any eye store like Site for Sore Eyes or Lenscrafters or someplace – they’ll tighten the screws on your glasses for free. I phrase it as, “Hi, how much will it run to fix this?” and if they’re not busy they always fix them right then for free for me.

  14. Was there a urinal cake? Did your glasses touch it?

    Lenscrafters always fixes for free. So do the eye departments at major department stores. And also, they sell eyeglass kits for like 1 dollar at Long’s.

  15. To understand why you didn’t go with Option 3, a woman has to understand the First Rule of the Men’s Room:

    You DO NOT TALK to other occupants of the Men’s Room.

    It’s okay to chat a very little bit around the sink once both parties are done, but speaking before then is an extreme breach of protocol and weirds everyone out. The person who stood in front of that urinal wouldn’t ask about the glasses; they’d just move down themselves or go ahead and pee. Then you’d have to worry about someone ELSE’S urine on your glasses.

    You made a respectable choice, and don’t let them tell you otherwise. They don’t understand.

  16. Jim

    Actually, I’ve found that pee removes the scratches that accumulate on the lenses.

  17. I’m so glad I don’t have to use a urinal, or have it as an option. And that I wear contacts.

  18. betheboy

    I can bring them to the store for fixing – This is news to me because I didn’t wear glasses until I was in my mid 20’s.

  19. I guess I don’t feel so bad now about when I peed on your glasses…

  20. Andrew

    When you bring your glasses to the store, make sure to ask for the “Urine Removal” special. Its kind of like going to the car wash and getting the hot wax, not really necessary, but you feel like a big spender when you are there.

  21. betheboy

    Drew- I think I’ve had enough hot liquid on my glasses for one week.

  22. Didn’t this happen to Henry Kissinger when visiting the Springfield Nuclear Plant?

  23. Oh my. I’ll have to ask E if he’s ever done this. He’s worn glasses since he was 2!

  24. Better to have them fall into a urinal filled with your own pee than into a toilet with someone else’s dookie. That’s what I always say.

  25. betheboy

    Boski – Kissinger dropped his glasses in the toilet and Homer later put them on. The diference between Kissinger and I is that I went in for my glasses. Kissinger isn’t a guy who can get you out of a mess.

  26. TheOtherWill

    Ha ha ha,that is funny.
    A similar thing happened to me when I used
    to work at the airport.
    I was peeing in the toliet when the company beeper slipped off my belt and into the John.
    I’m fucked up and did’nt really like the job so I just flushed it down the toliet and hoped it cost the boss alot of money to fix his plumbing.

  27. Now I expected, after the gaining weight comments, that when you looked down at your junk all you saw was your stomach. Not that I’m familiar with that experience or anything.

  28. vintagecaveman

    I don’t think you’ve gained any weight.
    You fatty, fat, fatty…

  29. i’m not just “saying” this but you i thought you were looking a little slim.

    evidently dropping cell phones into toilets is quite popular so say the plumbers that have to remove them.

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