The Dumbest Thing I’ll Ever Post

Memories can come up at the most inopportune times. While sitting in the dentist’s chair on Thursday morning an old memory came back to me, a memory of girls with nice teeth and miniature men.

Let me back up for a second. A full decade before The Slackmistress and I met I used to date a girl who had excellent teeth (The Slackmistress does too by the way). Her teeth were very nice and I had only heard of the dentist at that time so I was jealous and amazed at the same time. I developed a theory about why her teeth were so nice: I theorized there were tiny men who lived inside of her mouth and they took care of her teeth. I know it sounds stupid but it was a joke and since we had just started dating when I thought of it we laughed about it in the way that new couples do. Of course, only I could see the two guys, who were very tiny and wore overalls and construction hats.

I hadn’t thought of this joke in years but on Thursday morning, while I was sitting in the dentist chair with my mouth full of instruments I remembered the two tiny men and I started to laugh. When the dental assistant asked what was going on I started to explain and then stopped. I couldn’t explain it because no one would understand why I invented two imaginary tiny workers. Also the fake workers were gay and liked to do it when they weren’t fixing teeth. My former girlfriend didn’t like the idea of them having sex when they should have been cleaning her teeth but I assured that it was only on off hours and purely imaginary.

I don’t expect this to make sense to anyone but I got a laugh out of the memory.

Also, I need a retainer…at 34 years old. I am going to bill my parents for this since they should have taken care of this 25 years ago.



Filed under General Tomfoolery

9 responses to “The Dumbest Thing I’ll Ever Post

  1. Fuckpants.

    I expect to see pictures of you in head gear.

  2. I remember being 13 and saying something about “when I get braces” to my mom. Her response was “[snort] you’re not getting braces.”
    I said (screamed): “BUT MY TEETH ARE CROOKED,” and her response? “Yes, BUT WE’RE POOR.”

    15 years later my teeth have straightened out considerably on their own (plus I’ve paid out of pocket to have 2 outright replaced) but I’m totally going to bill her for pain and suffering.

  3. @BSH: I had braces when I was a kid, and my orthodontist straightened my teeth but screwed up my bite AND my face (by using a headgear) which required around $40K of braces and jaw surgery in my 30s. Careful what you wish for. :)

  4. Super-S

    I totally pictured them in overalls and construction hats when you first mentioned them. Makes total sense, of course.

  5. vintagecaveman

    I got braces like 6 years ago and they were a pain in my ass…until I discovered magnets.

  6. vcm: i love how you take a situation and make it better. i can’t wait to put a magnet on my daughters’ braces!

  7. Speaking of teeth, last year, I was living without dental or health insurance. Harsh times have fallen upon me. So this one night, I was in agonizing pain from an infected tooth. Long story short, I couldn’t stand the pain and pulled it out with a set of pliers. Needless to say, that was probably the worst night in recent memory. The day after I went to my parents for help and they did. Wow, that was a horrid story. I’m sorry. Lol. Your post reminded me of Listerfiend, the mouth troll from Clerks 2.

  8. Gotta admit, retainer at 34 is a heck of alot better than braces at 60. Which I’ve seen. Recently.

  9. I had to get braces because I had a slight overbite (my teeth were straight). 3 years of a cemented-in retainer, 4 years of braces, and 2 years of another, removable retainer – I couldn’t tell the difference in the overbite and my bottom teeth were crooked. Thank God I didn’t also have to have headgear. Maybe that was the difference though?

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