An Offer You Should Refuse

This morning I awoke to find something strange outside. On Thursday mornings the trash cans are left at the curb for pickup and when I took the dog out for a morning walk I noticed that someone had left something on top of the trash can.

Take a look:

Someone has left a record on top of my trash can.

Now look closer…it’s a Soul II Soul record.

What could this be a sign of? I scanned my memory for whatever knowledge of Soul II Soul it contained but all I could remember was the song Back to Life. Are my deceased loved ones walking the Earth and sending me a message?

Then I remembered…I recently got tricked into signing up for the hobo record club: Columbia House-less.

Here’s how it works: I pay a single penny and once a week someone leaves a record outside my house.

Sometimes the record will be left in a tree, sometimes at the end of a trail of pennies and sometimes, like today, by the trashcans.

That’s the good part, here’s the catch…the first 12 are only a penny but after that I have to start leaving pies and dirty magazines outside or they’ll cut me with a rusty pocketknife. Unfortunately, just like similar record clubs it’s nearly impossible to cancel my membership. I’m just going to bake and buy dirty magazines until I fulfill my contract.



Filed under General Tomfoolery

15 responses to “An Offer You Should Refuse

  1. “Columbia House-less” is the funniest thing I’ve heard today, and I watched parts 1 and 2 of Whedon’s Dr. Horrible today. Good work, sir.

  2. How do I sign up? Do I need my own hobos, or will some be assigned to me?

  3. oh har, har, har.

    well i certainly hope your minimum regular purchase quota is small. i hate to think that you’ll be indebted to these hooligans for the next few years.

  4. Next week: Buffalo Stance by Neneh Cherry. Slightly scratched/soiled, but the price is right!

  5. yeah, “Columbia House-less” is brilliant.

    If you promise to include a bottle of Thunderbird, do you get 2 bonus albums?

  6. melissa

    Well done, sir.

  7. Do they also send you a “selection of the month” and then you have to send it back within 30 days or they’ll bill you for it? Wait, how would they bill you? Hmm. My contribution to this joke needs work.

  8. betheboy

    Basically this whole thing is a plot to stick me with a rusty pocketknife and say that it’s my own fault. The thing about the hobo record club is no sensible person would sign up for the plan so they trick you into it by tacking it on to another purchase. In my case I was buying a bandanna and a stick to make a rucksack and they just added it on. Tricky bastards.

  9. that sounds about right; tough deal.
    on the other hand what a brilliant album!

  10. James Rocchi

    The only thing stopping me from leaving a record in front of your home next week is the fact I don’t own any 12″ Dance Singles.

  11. That’s a pretty sticky situation you have gotten yourself into here.

  12. You, sir, lead a strange, yet somehow wonderful, life.

  13. Rusty pocketknife. Ow.

  14. Are you sure a box of waffles and/or a hand job wouldn’t be enough to cancel your membership?

  15. This is hilarious! Great thinking. God, the original record club was evil and the records kept coming and coming and coming, no matter how often you called and cancelled. Then someone who sounded like a school principal would call up and yell at customers over the phone. It was awful.

    Only thing worse was having the weather radio siren go off in my kitchen, supposedly telling me of a potential tornado. Good to know, I guess, once my heart rate returned to normal and I realized the world wasn’t about to explode, although my house might implode without proper precautions. It never came close to our house.

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