It’s Day Three of the Be The Boy Holiday Celebration and since we’re less than three weeks from Christmas I’m pulling out the big guns; the metaphorical big guns at least which in today’s story take the form of a very little man. In what has become a holiday tradition I bring to you once again, the true story of Binky The Christmas Midget.
Nobody expected a little person at the house that day, much less a drunk one but that’s what we had. With any business involving my father it’s best not to ask questions but I had to:
“Where’d the little guy come from?”
-“I won him”
-“None of your fucking business”
End of discussion.
After getting nowhere with my dad I asked my brother and found out that the little person’s name was Binky and he was there to help my dad out for the holiday as a result of a bar bet. Of course…the old Christmas helper midget bet; I should have guessed.
Now the thing to know about my father’s house is that holiday dinners can be kind of tense affairs but having the little guy around really loosened everyone up. For the first time since anyone could recall we all truly enjoyed the holiday. Luckily for me, this was before I developed my well documented phobia of eating in the same room as a little person so we all enjoyed a good meal too.
Even though he was a helper midget my father had a seat ready at the dinner table for him, and we all got our own food from the kitchen because that is how my family treats holiday midgets…with class. We even gave him gifts, a carton of smokes and some old porno magazines. Later on when his ride showed up he gathered his smokes and porn and bid us farewell. We never saw him again but that Christmas midget gave us the best holiday ever.
Now I know that kids today don’t believe in Christmas Midgets but I tell you they are real. And if you’re good all year long or your parents are very secretive you just might hear the little footsteps coming to your house.