Letters Never Sent

I love the internet open letter, at least I like reading them. It’s interesting to see what people will say when they don’t know if the intended recipient will ever see it. Sometimes an open letter is to a stranger like “An Open Letter to the Woman Who Was Peeing in My Driveway This Morning” and sometimes it’s to someone you know. Most of the times these open letters start the same, something like “I know you’ll never read this but…” unless the intended recipient is illiterate in which case it says: “I know you can’t read this”. I’ve occasionally written such letters, to strangers and people I know but not for a long time so I think I’m due for one, here goes:

An Open Letter to the Girl I Could Solve Mysteries With

I know you may never read this but you should know that I think we can be detectives together. When I say detective I don’t mean police detectives like those being watched in the Elvis Costello song, I mean old time movie detectives, hard boiled fast talking, Dashell Hammet, Raymond Chandler type detectives. The old time detective racket has long been a dream of mine but so far I’ve lacked the type of partner the job requires, but you…you I could try it with.

I’ve been paying attention to your work and I’m impressed. You’ve got what it takes, the smarts, the attention to detail and looks that would make the hardest crooks crumble with a glance. For a little while you’ve played the good cop, the bad cop and sometimes very bad cop and you’ve gotten me to tell almost every secret I have. The last thing you need to know is that I think we’d unravel more secrets by working together. I know there are long odds on us teaming up, you work alone very well for starters and you could have your pick of anyone in the fantasy detective world but I couldn’t stand myself if I didn’t at least tell you that the door to my office is open.

Of course I’m sure you’re not going to read this but if you do or one of your operatives does and tells you about it please don’t feel like it has to change anything. In this line of work it’s hard to find people you can trust but you are not like the rest. My respect for your fantasy detective work and for you personally is absolutely unconditional. It doesn’t matter if we work together as a team or separately, I’m still going to want to share secrets and keep up on your cases, no strings attached doll. Now if you’ll excuse me I got a girl in the lobby looking for her lost sister.





Filed under General Tomfoolery

8 responses to “

  1. betheboy

    The only regret I have about moving this blog over to wordpress is that I lost all of the comments from the old blog, all 20,000 of them. Actually I have them in a file but that does you no good now.

  2. Brilliant. Simply brilliant.

  3. Featured on Good Mom/Bad mom on the Houston Chronicle: http://tinyurl.com/5m4rgg

  4. betheboy

    For the record she did get the letter and she’s sitting next to me right now, she can also be found all over this blog and here: http://www.theslackdaily.com/

  5. Pingback: Be the Marriage With Nina and Will | lalawag

  6. but of those 20,000 comments: was one hers?

  7. aliastaken

    If I remember correctly, my comment was about how your letter inspired me to purchase an Elvis Costello CD from Amazon…

  8. Pingback: Her name is Nutcase and I’m keeping her « daily piglet

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