A year’s worth of Sunday’s ago I wrote this letter. I know it’s unusual to profess one’s feelings to someone via blog when you know that that person is reading. It could have gone terribly wrong but she was getting ready to leave for Chicago and while I knew she’d be back, I had to say it before she left. She read it and the last thing she did before leaving town was stop by my house. The answer was still no but something had changed; what was once “I don’t think it’s right” had changed to “If it were a better time I would”.

That better time came sooner than I thought it would, but if you’ve followed along here you already knew that. So on a day like today, when she says “Holy crap! We’re married!”, I say “Yeah, and it’s the best thing I ever did.”

Come on, you’d be happy to if you got to do this all day:

Some readers of this blog, like JustJENN and Karen are encouraging me to use Twitter and I’m not about to do it, not because I don’t trust them though. I have a Twitter account but I don’t use it because there’s no reason that anyone cares what I’m doing minute to minute, at least I hope no one wants to know what I’m doing minute to minute. If you only know me from this blog you might think that my life is a non stop parade of midgets, robots, midget robots, detective work with my wife, trampolines and dirty magazines but you’d only be right on two of those. There’s a lot of time that I spend doing nothing special at all, for example here’s what I would Twitter on an average morning:

7:20 AM – Scanning coffee shop staff for lazy eyes.
7:55 AM – Cursing traffic
8:12 AM – Hope no one notices I’m getting fat
8:15 AM – Work stuff

See, it’s boring. I’d much rather just update this thing once a day with a story or something ridiculous and call leave it at that. It’s one stop shopping for all of your midgets, robots, midget robots, detective work with my wife, trampolines and dirty magazines needs. I appreciate you coming here, I hope you like it.

Speaking of detective work, I was on the phone with an old friend yesterday and she says “I have to be careful; I know you have your little detective agency over there” but I have to come clean on something…I’m the worst detective in the house, most of the real sleuthing is done by my wife (who is on blogging hiatus), I’m only dressing the part and using it as an excuse to smoke. She is the one who discovered who had been peeing in our bushes and she is the one who always tracks down facts and unlocks mysteries for me…needless to say I am quite pleased with her work.

It’s common knowledge that The Slackmistress and I operate a semi fictional detective agency. Beginning next month my detective partner and I will be consolidating our offices and in preparation for this we discussed our current caseload last night. The following investigations are underway:

1- The Mysterious Johnson…Eric Johnson that is. A young man sings a birthday song to a girl on the internet, but doesn’t identify himself. The Slackmistress and Be the Boy Detective agency need to find out who this man is. We are hoping that our network of operatives gets in touch with us soon to break this case open. Also, since the girl the song is sung to is responsible for my partner and me meeting we are working this case pro bono.

2- The Case of the Growing List – In preparation for our upcoming Las Vegas wedding we began making a tentative guest list. In an effort to keep costs reasonable we agreed to limit the actual ceremony to no more than 20-25 people. With this in mind we compiled our list of everyone we wanted to have there and came up with about a 135 people. Clearly we need to find a way to have everyone we care for involved without having to rob a bank. Our tentative solution is to have a small intimate ceremony followed by a poolside open house weekend but there will be more to come on this after we select a place to hold the wedding.

3- The Suit That Came in From the Cold – In order to properly marry a dame like The Slackmistress a man needs a suit. Of course I’m thinking something vintage a la William Powell as Nick Charles or Humphrey Bogart as Sam Spade. Currently we are in search of something that is classic cool but not overly dated. As with the Eric Johnson case we are hoping for a break in this case.

4- The Case of the Lurking Readers – The blog world had decided that this week is national de-lurking week so if you’re reading this and not saying who you are please stand up and be counted in the comments…you just may help us solve a mystery.

Over the past few months I have been asked many times how I met The Slackmistress and the short answer is that I found her web site one day and left a comment, she returned the favor on this blog and soon I admitted my Slack crush and we were emailing, then we met and she swore she’d never go out with me. Eventually she came around; it’s your basic romantic comedy script with a much appreciated internet cheering section. Last night The Girl and I put our detective skills to work to determine how I managed to find her web site that first time and after much searching and some fine sleuthing we found the very place where we first crossed paths. Several months ago I was looking through someone’s Flickr photos when I found a comment left by someone called The Slackmistress who even as a thumbnail photo caught my eye I clicked over and was immediately interested in finding out more. After working my way through to the profile page I saw she had a website…was single, AND LIVED NEAR ME…I clicked over to that site immediately, watched her video blog and commented something that I hoped was witty enough to get her attention. Clearly it worked out just fine for me although it took a little time.

So you may be asking yourselves a question now which is this….who was the owner of the mystery Flickr photo where I first found my detective partner and future Mrs. Be the Boy?

Well the credit for the accidental introduction goes to Mickipedia, whom the Slackmistress and I had both met separately in the past. Without knowing she was doing so, she managed to set something very good in motion and for that I owe her big time. If she even need a mystery solved my lady and I can handle it gratis.

This was supposed to be an important weekend for the Slackmistress and Mr. Boy Detective Agency. After weeks of planning behind closed doors we we’re ready to step out in public and take on our first cases, namely the Mysterious Case of Keith’s Birthday and the Strange Happenings at a Holiday Party. Our first cases hit a snag however when I came down very ill beginning on Friday, no doubt the work of nefarious types intent on stopping us.

While I tried my best to get it together enough to get to work I was far too sick and my lovely partner insisted that I stay in bed. She went on her own to scout out the situation on Saturday night and came back with a full report and some freshly baked cookies she had made me.

Honestly can I find a better partner? Detective work and cookies!

As many of you know I have been on the lookout for a detective partner. The requirements were straightforward; she had to be smart, witty, have a dog and be indescribably beautiful. From the start I had only one person in mind and after an intense interview process she has decided that the job may be just right for her. She will begin immediately and we will decide together what happens next. Effective immediately the Be The Boy Detective Agency is now called The Slackmistress and Mr. Boy Detective Agency.

Since I’ve been discussing my plans for a fake detective agency I have gotten comments and phone calls from actual people asking for help solving some of the world’s great mysteries and crimes. While I appreciate your interest and willingness to pay me I need to make one thing clear about the detective work of mine…actually doing detective work is not my top priority in fact it doesn’t even make the top five.

Here are the reasons, in order why there is a Be the Boy detective agency:

1- To impress a beautiful girl
2- To convince that girl to partner with me
3- So I can engage in witty banter with that girl
4- In order to throw fabulous parties with that girl
5- To use a typewriter and rotary phone
6- For taking stylishly noir photos
7- Detective work (time permitting)

So there you have it, I might do some casework but only if I’m not doing any of the other things. So you can tell me all about your lost relatives, stolen diamonds etc…but I may not have a lot of time to do anything about it since I hope to be busy in private consultations with my partner.

Last weeek I wrote a letter to the girl I want to start my fake detective agency with and while I doubt she read it, I’m happy to have written it. And so here I am today still wishing she were here so the following is to the same person:

Dear Miss Detective,

Nearly a week has passed without a knock on my door or a call to my office, perhaps you’re out of town on a case, tracking down lost treasure or uncovering secrets. I didn’t expect that you’d be here anyway but I had hoped that someone would slip word to you that I was looking for you. One doesn’t last long in this line of work without patience and I’ve been at this a very long time, so I will wait for you to let me know if you’ll accept my offer. Please don’t think for a second that your not qualified. You are without exception the best in the business and the only person I want to work with.

I’ve hidden a key to the office in a place I know you’ll find it and I’ve got the sign painter ready to put your name on the door next to mine. I’ll put your name first if it will seal the deal, so come on by when you’re ready for adventure.

Sincerely,

Will

(Me, my dream partner and her dog as portrayed my William Powell, Myrna Loy and Asta)

I love the internet open letter, at least I like reading them. It’s interesting to see what people will say when they don’t know if the intended recipient will ever see it. Sometimes an open letter is to a stranger like “An Open Letter to the Woman Who Was Peeing in My Driveway This Morning” and sometimes to someone more personal like “An Open Letter to the Girl Who Left Her Earrings On My Nightstand and Never Came Back But Stole One Of My Naked Lady Glasses”. Most of the times these open letters start the same, something like “I know you’ll never read this but…” unless the intended recipient is illiterate in which case it says: “I know you can’t read this”. I’ve occasionally written such letters, to strangers and people I know but not for a long time so I think I’m due for one, here goes:

An Open Letter to the Girl I Could Solve Mysteries With

I know you may never read this but you should know that I think we can be detectives together. When I say detective I don’t mean police detectives like those being watched in the Elvis Costello song, I mean old time movie detectives, hard boiled fast talking, Dashell Hammet, Raymond Chandler type detectives. The old time detective racket has long been a dream of mine but so far I’ve lacked the type of partner the job requires, but you…you I could try it with.

I’ve been paying attention to your work and I’m impressed. You’ve got what it takes, the smarts, the attention to detail and looks that would make the hardest crooks crumble with a glance. For a little while you’ve played the good cop, the bad cop and sometimes very bad cop and you’ve gotten me to tell almost every secret I have. The last thing you need to know is that I think we’d unravel more secrets by working together. I know there are long odds on us teaming up, you work alone very well for starters and you could have your pick of anyone in the fantasy detective world but I couldn’t stand myself if I didn’t at least tell you that the door to my office is open.

Of course I’m sure you’re not going to read this but if you do or one of your operatives does and tells you about it please don’t feel like it has to change anything. In this line of work it’s hard to find people you can trust but you are not like the rest. My respect for your fantasy detective work and for you personally is absolutely unconditional. It doesn’t matter if we work together as a team or separately, I’m still going to want to share secrets and keep up on your cases, no strings attached doll. Now if you’ll excuse me I got a girl in the lobby looking for her lost sister.

Sincerely,

Will