Spilling It

A few months ago I decided that I wanted to resume posting on this blog, which had been dormant for about a year after being active since 2003. Before I started what has become a very sporadic posting schedule I went through the archive and realized that I didn’t like a lot of what I was reading. There is a reason for this; for the first few years that this thing was a going concern I was dealing with depression and not dealing with it well at all.

I did a lot of things wrong during that time but one of the primary mistakes I made was making my world small. I withdrew from people and pushed other people away until I found myself alone and more miserable than I have ever been in my life. Even today it is hard to describe how I felt back then but the best way I can describe it is that I felt a heaviness on my life, like a sad weight that I carried around with me everywhere for years until I was unable to do the things the right way anymore.

The heaviness I used to carry with me feels like ancient history, so much so that after reading through the past I found it hard to recognize myself. Because of this I decided to archive the first few years worth of posts. The are not erased, they are just hidden where they can’t make me angry at myself.

I was thinking of those hidden posts tonight as I stood over spilled hot chocolate in a restaurant. I had gone out to get food and hot chocolate because for the last few days I’ve been feeling the heaviness again. When I feel bad I like to eat take out food and drink hot chocolate, actually I like to do these things all the time but even more so when I feel down. Today I really needed these small comforts and one of them ended up on the floor. This was not the end of the world though thanks to having learned a little bit from my past. Earlier in the day I had done something that old me would never have done: I told people that I was feeling down. So as I stood there holding my dinner in a puddle of spilled hot chocolate I didn’t feel alone.

The heaviness will not bring me down again. I will out-think this thing faster and easier than I did before. The fact that I am telling you about it without having to dismantle my life first is a positive sign. The fact that I laughed over seeing my favorite beverage on the floor is another good sign.

I’m going to be fine. Thanks for listening.

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9 Comments

Filed under Life of BetheBoy

9 responses to “Spilling It

  1. Michaela C

    Thank you for sharing. Tweet me any time you need a twitter chat x

  2. I’m so glad for you that your perspective on life is happier now. Sorry about your spilled hot chocolate.

  3. Melissa

    Thanks for being so inspiring! My world is currently so small it’s my bed at my mom’s house. But I’m going to expand it to go get some hot chocolate since I am now craving it.

  4. You aiiin’t heavvvy (you’re mah brothaa)! Thanks for the honesty, Will, I needed to hear it, as I’m going through a bit of a similar situation myself right now. Hang in there, buddy. You have a tremendous amount to feel good about. :)

  5. I’m feeling the heaviness too. It’s dreadful and I wish it would leave you alone.

  6. I lapse a lot since I started blogging in 2000. I look back through my archive and see a lot of painfully bad or boring or stupid thing I posted back then. Every time I look back over all that stuff, I’m itchingly tempted to delete the whole shebang and start over again, or at least delete most of the mundane crap I posted.

    I think too many people are scared to delete stuff for fear of <voice type=”booming”>preserving legacy</voice> The older I get, the more confident I am that nobody else is going to want to read stuff I wrote that makes me, who wrote it, cringe or doze. A lot of us post things that amount to scratch paper doodles or opinions that may have changed quite dramatically since we posted them. I think, inspired by your example, I’m going to start trimming them from my archives.

    I really like the things I read on your blog. You’re an insightful, funny writer. Keep it up. And, if you delete some things, I’ll know you’ll post more interested things that make me think.

  7. The last time I suggested what I’m about to suggest to you, to someone I’d never met, she flamed me and I cried. So while I am hesitating, I am also willing to risk your displeasure and the possibility that you’ll find me a patronizing asshole because I live with that heaviness, and the best thing I’ve found for getting at its root is acupuncture. For some people it’s not an affordable option, especially since it’s something that should be repeated on a consistent weekly basis to realize a long-lasting effect. That said, LA has community clinics where it is more affordable.

    The worst that’ll happen is you’ll walk out of the clinic with a profound feeling of relaxation, lightness, and ease for a few hours, maybe days.

    If you’re already aware of this treatment option, I’ll go ahead and crawl back inside my cave now, with hopes that my patronizing asshole follows.

    Thanks for being a man brave enough to share this part of yourself. You’re a fantastic writer, and from what I gather, an equally fantastic human being.

    (Alternately, see what listening to Billy Joel on a long-term basis will do to a person? You must warn the people.)

  8. But if you do find me a patronizing asshole, please send it to me via FedEx.

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