Trying to get a few more summer blog posts in before Labor Day; Summer Blogging = stories in 100 words or less. You can read them all by clicking the Be The Boy Summer Blogging Tag at the bottom of this post.
In the weeks leading up to the move I was upset. My mother chalked this up to teen angst; I was almost 15 and about to change schools. This was not what bothered me. I was upset because I had amassed a pornography collection that kept me in the attic more than Anne Frank and there was no way to move it to the new house without getting caught, so I hid it all under the floorboards and vowed to come back for it. Every time I’m in my hometown I’m tempted to knock on that door.
11 Comments
August 20, 2009 at 8:16 pm
I dearly hope that the next family to move in had a 13 year old boy, who now tells stories about the amazing house with the secret porn stash in the attic.
August 20, 2009 at 8:49 pm
This is a YA novel in the making!
August 20, 2009 at 10:23 pm
Or a buddy comedy.
Twenty years later…
Steve and Ted are bullshitting around the water cooler.
Steve: My dad was a salesman – we moved around a lot. Coolest place we ever lived, though, was this funky old house on Long Island. I’d just read this book where the kid finds a magic doorway in the attic, right? So I go looking for one. And boy, do I find one.
Ted: You’re not gonna try and tell me you found, like, Narnia or something, are you?
Steve: No, better than Narnia. Dude, I found the most amazing porn collection up there – 100s of magazines, all shoved down under the floor boards.
Ted: (Looks around to make sure no one’s listening, drops his voice to a whisper.) Hey, Steve – was one of them the January 1979 “Hustler”? The one with the Theodore Sturgeon story in it?
Steve: Yeah, man! That was the one on top! How did you know?
Ted: (with tears in his eyes) Dude – that was my collection. I had to leave it behind when we moved.
Steve: No shit?
Ted: You don’t… still have it, do you?
Steve: Of course I do! You wanna come over tonight?
August 20, 2009 at 8:18 pm
just imagine the lucky kid who maybe unearthed it. unless it’s really bad cheesy 80s porn, in which case he’ll probably have no idea what to do with it.
August 20, 2009 at 8:21 pm
To be fair it was still the 80′s when I left behind the stash so if a kid found it then it would have been fine. If a kid found it today he’s wonder why they put porn in “books” instead of on the computer.
August 20, 2009 at 10:13 pm
And why the women back then had pubic hair.
August 20, 2009 at 8:44 pm
By this time there is one of three things that could have potentially happened to all of this porn.
1. It is undiscovered and still in good condition making them valuable.
2. As stated above its become some new 13 year olds favorite thing or a dad found it and gets misty eyed from the nostalgia of looking at a porn magazine.
3. Its been ripped to shreds by rats or is soggy and now contributes to the mold problem in the house.
August 20, 2009 at 10:07 pm
4. It was found by someone who did not appreciate it and relegated to the garbage dump. So sad!
August 20, 2009 at 10:13 pm
Rats! Rats are reading my POOOOORN!!!!
August 21, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Why didn’t you smuggle it to another location one magazine at a time?
August 21, 2009 at 3:35 pm
I totally think they’d understand if you asked for it back. They might be CLASSICS now!