Last year I introduced a new feature to this blog called Be The Boy Holidays, a collection of stories about me and my family and how we’ve celebrated Christmas, New Years and sometimes Hanukkah. It was so much fun last year that I’ve brought it back for a second go round and to start it off I’m pulling out the big guns. Yes Virginia, I’m leading off with the story of The Christmas Midget so gather your loved ones (or email this to them) and enjoy. Here we go:
On a Christmas Day in the mid 90′s I headed to my father’s for dinner. I was not prepared for what I found when I arrived.
Nobody expected to find a little person at the house, much less a drunk one but that’s what we had that year, a boozy midget. With any business involving my father it’s best not to ask questions but I had to:
“Where did the little guy come from?”
-“I won him”
“Playing what”
-“A game of none of your fucking business”
End of discussion.
After getting nowhere with my dad I asked my brother and found out that the little person’s name was Binky and he was there to help my dad out for the holiday as a result of a bar bet. Of course…the old Christmas helper midget bet; I should have guessed.
Now the thing to know about my father’s house is that holiday dinners can be kind of tense affairs but having the little guy around really loosened everyone up. For the first time since anyone could recall we all truly enjoyed the holiday. Luckily for me, this was before I developed my well-documented phobia of eating in the same room as a little person, so we all enjoyed a good meal too.
Even though he was a helper midget my father had a seat ready at the dinner table for him, and we all got our own food from the kitchen because that is how my family treats holiday midgets…with class. We even gave him gifts: a carton of smokes, booze and some old porno magazines. Later on when his ride showed up he gathered his things and bid us farewell. We never saw him after that but the Christmas midget gave us the best holiday ever.
Now I know that kids today don’t believe in Christmas Midgets, but I tell you they are real. And if you’re good all year long or your parents are very secretive you just might hear the little footsteps coming to your house.
17 Comments
December 3, 2008 at 6:04 am
Fuckpants!
My favorite betheboy story of all time.
December 3, 2008 at 6:17 am
This is awesome!!! I was laughing the whole way through. Must know more about your phobia, though …
December 3, 2008 at 6:23 am
It’s pretty simple Melissa, I can’t eat if there is a little person in the room. I once met a really attractive little woman but I could not ask her out without saying: “Lets go out, but you should eat dinner beforehand.”
December 3, 2008 at 6:39 am
I laughed a hearty laugh for a good 5 minutes after reading that. The conversation between you and you’re dad is definitely what started the laughing off
December 3, 2008 at 3:29 pm
I love that I’ve been reading your shit long enough to have heard this awesome story more than once.
Makes me feel as if I belong to an elite club of awesome.
December 3, 2008 at 3:57 pm
You CAN’T make this stuff up! Great story. It’s like your father brought home his own little elf.
This is worse than your “eating-with-a-little-person” phobia, but I have trouble with… really old people… people I love. It’s just awful.
December 3, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Love the holidays! My mom, the darling aging hippy that she is made hash brownie for Christmas one year. The doberman ate them and we spend a good portion of the evening having her stomach pumped.
December 3, 2008 at 5:11 pm
This is like the best present ever for no reason to receive at work! You have made me laugh so hard. Christmas Midget!!! I am sending your blog to my bff, she will love it. Looking forward to more!!
December 3, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Thanks Kate!
December 3, 2008 at 8:57 pm
I’ve played the “none of your fucking business” game, and it’s no joke. Your Dad must have been good to win a little person.
This was an awesome read, Will. Makes me wish my childhood was more colorful, because I just don’t have stories like this.
December 3, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Life wasn’t all midgets and booze Elwood. There was also some less amusing days but I try not to let the bad days define me.
December 3, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Christmas Midgets…maybe there IS a god?
December 4, 2008 at 12:04 pm
So, are you supposed to wait all night in the Christmas Tree lot in hopes that the Christmas Midget will appear?
December 4, 2008 at 4:29 pm
“A game of none of your fucking business”
I need to find a way to work that into a conversation soon.
December 17, 2008 at 5:00 am
[...] geeks were, but the room was filled with fun and interesting folks who blog about their privates or midgets, and don’t work in tech. And though many had never met IRL (blog speak for ‘In Real [...]
December 24, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Priceless!!!
We should all be so lucky as to receive a Christmas Midget, at least once in our lives.
Perhaps a viable business model…. People could purchase a midget for a holiday gathering. You could employ, literally, thousands of midgets who would otherwise be looking for work at carnivals. You could even sell gift certificates. Aptly named: “Be the Midget!”
Thanks for the laugh, Will.
December 24, 2008 at 5:14 pm
OMG, does the midget COOK?! I’m checking the Copiague Weekly to see if he’s got an ad.
That’s one terrific story! You’ve certainly brightened my Christmas.