Why We Say F@#*kpants

I don’t remember when it happened but at some point a tradition developed among regular readers of this blog (which you should be) called “Being the Fuckpants”. How does one become the fuckpants you ask? It’s simple, you just have to be the first one to comment on a post here; think of it as a less annoying version of firsties with more swearing. The reason we call it “Being The Fuckpants” is simply because when a new post is published the comment field says “Spill it Fuckpants” until the first comment is made by a reader. For a few years now, readers have been calling “Fuckpants” when they leave the first comment to a post but only recently has anyone asked what it means. Allow me to explain:

The use of the word fuckpants is more than just an offhand bad word, there’s a story behind it. I first heard the magic word about 12 or 13 years ago when I was visiting my mother. She had asked me to run to the store for her and I enlisted the help of my sister for the trip. As we were backing out of my mom’s driveway there was a kid, who looked about seven years in across the street holding a hockey stick and running abound like there was a game going on. When he saw us moving he crossed the street stopped right behind my car and waved the hockey stick at us. I braked and waited but the kid wouldn’t budge, I put the car in park and honked the horn and he didn’t move finally I got out of the car and said:

“Hey kid, you gotta move so I can get out”

But he didn’t move.

“Kid, you’re going to get run over, if you stand in the street”

He still didn’t move, he just stared at me for a few seconds and then said:

“Shut Up, Fuckpants.”

When I got back in the car my sister asked,”did that kid just call you fuckpants?”

- “Yes, yes he did.”

“I think you’re allowed to hit him but he just ran away”

We backed out as the kid resumed his imaginary hockey game across the street. My sister said to me:

“I can’t believe that kid called you fuckpants…we have to start using that.”

There you have it; one day a kid called me fuckpants and the word just stuck. In honor of the story finally seeing the light of day I hereby declare that for today everyone is the fuckpants. If you’ve been waiting for the right time to comment, this is your lucky day. You can be the Fuckpants on any post but it won’t last long.

Epilogue:

Last year I took my brand new wife home with me to meet my extended family. She also wanted to see all of the places that appear in this blog including the place where the Fuckpants was first uttered by a kid in the street so many years before. Sadly there was no commemorative plaque.