Guess what everyone! Now that December has arrived I can no longer pretend that the holidays aren’t fast approaching. Usually I ignore Christmas, Hanukkah and New Year’s until the last possible moment only to find myself unprepared; well not this year! For the first time ever I’m planning ahead, in fact, I’m embracing the holidays. To prove my point I’ve made an editorial decision to dedicate every post for the rest of the year to the holidays.(Except Kwanza which I know nothing about).
For the next few weeks there will be stories of childhood trauma, family gatherings, giving, receiving and of course; holiday midgets. To start things off here’s a story of giving to those less fortunate, it’s called “Happy Holidays From Van Nuys”.
My apartment contains decades worth of people’s possessions. Over the years people have come and gone but they have all left a little something, a chair, an amplifier, some spaghetti sauce or a bookshelf. For the last three decades, the place has been passed from one friend another and there’s an unwritten rule that says “Once you live here, you’re always welcome back…but call first” so while my wife and I live here we know we’re going to pass it on to someone else eventually. While we may leave plenty of stuff behind, there’s one thing that was left for me that won’t be going to the next occupant.
A few years ago I was in the garage when I came across a bag that had been very carefully hidden behind some boxes. What treasure could be waiting inside?
Well, it was kind of treasure, at least it would have been if I were a 15 year old boy. Inside the bag was a stash of vintage porn videos all from the golden age of VHS porn. I recognized many of the titles and stars from some of my family’s favorites, it was like a walk down dirty memory lane. I always wondered what good ol’ Dick Rambone and Candy Samples were up to and now I knew…they were hanging out behind my house. I really didn’t know what to do with the tapes, I could watch them but the hair and the clothes would be so out of date as to make it distracting plus some other dude had already watched them, probably in the very room I slept in. To make matters worse I knew the guy. On the sure to bring bad luck scale, watching another guys porn in his old room is probably as close as you can get to building your house on a Native American burial site. Still, I couldn’t just throw them away, that would be a waste. So tucked them away into the old icebox that now serves as a closet and hoped that a solution would reveal itself. I then forgot about the stash…until the holidays rolled around.
That year a local not for profit was running a charity drive for the needy and they accepted the following: cash donations, non perishable foods, toys, books , CD’s, DVD’s and finally…videos, new or used. It was beginning to look a lot like porno Christmas so I gathered up that sack of videos, some canned food and some cash and headed off to share with those in need.
Check back soon for more holiday stuff, not all of it will be morally questionable.
we laughed. we cried. we are wiping tears from our eyes this was so funny!