Kicking a Little Ass

When we are home together the Slack and I like doing certain things together like, telling horribly inappropriate jokes and our Daily Show/Colbert Report hour. Recently we also started playing poker together. Those of you who know me and many of you who read this know I’m a notoriously bad poker player (ask Leah) so I haven’t been teaching The Slackmistress at all. I just showed her how to play tournaments on line (just for fun, not for real money) and she has taken it upon herself to learn. She’s gotten into it and is having fun so often we’ll be sitting back in our office eschewing detective work for poker, each at our own computer playing in a separate tournament. Last night was one of those nights.

As we are playing we are checking each others progress.

Me: “How are you over there?”
Her: “In 4th place out of 6 players left…how about you”
Me: “3 of 7”

Shortly afterwards her game ends with her finishing second and she turns around to look over my shoulder. The site we are playing on allows players to post photos as their player avatars so she notices the player to my right and asks.

“Is that guy retarded?”
-“I think so…look at the size of his head”
“You’re playing a retard”
-“I’m kicking his retarded ass”

That’s me, destroyer of poker playing retards, or so I think.

A few minutes later we’re down to three players and the retard makes a big bet. I raise him and my three sevens beat his two pair and he gets upset and says (through the site’s chat function).

“Come on man, give me a break….I’m a midget”

Holy crap, he’s not retarded…he’s a midget, that’s even better than beating a retard.

Being the sensitive type I type back…”short stacked”. He tells me to “eat it”. Now I’m playing an angry midget who then knocks out the third player to even up with me chip wise. We’re one on one, mano a little mano I stall before the next bet and claim I was reaching for something on a high shelf. The Slackmistress sits besides and tells me to kick his little ass. The battle rages, the cards are flying, the angry midget is calling me a dick. I realize that not only is this game at stake, everything is on the line. If I lose the Slack will never let me live down how I lost to the midget…my epitaph will read “Went all in and lost to a midget”. The game continues heads up for a while, at one point he has so many of my chips he can hardly see over them. I just know that he’s at home standing on a chair laughing at me but his glee is appropriately short lived as I make a few big bets that pay off to even up again before he goes all in out of frustration and loses. Score one for Will and none for angry midgets.

Tonight I play my usual game which feature players who are all over five feet tall so I’m sure to be out of luck.